this is all i have.

I don’t want to have children. I’m dating someone who shares my feelings on not reproducing. There are a lot of reasons that I feel this way, and generally I am dismissed as young or not finding the right person. As if reproduction is not a right that I inherently have as a person to choose to use or not to use. Today, as I have many times over the past 3 years, I see my black-identifying friends asking themselves how are they supposed to keep their black children (born and unborn) alive in these times. Every time I see one of these posts, it’s just another confirmation that I don’t want to reproduce. When I see my queer friends worry about being safe wherever they go, particularly if they are gender non-conforming, I think how I don’t want to raise a child in a world like that. When my friends that were born in foreign lands or who have family members that were born abroad have people come up to them and taunt them for “imperfect” English, I don’t know if I could counteract this seemingly skewed view of what nationalism means in this and many other countries. I can’t even understand the hatred that comes, from many different sides and beliefs, to people who choose to practice or not practice certain religions. I cannot.

I like to focus on social justice and real world issues in my life, and that was my purpose of starting this blog. A lot of the blogs and youtubers I follow just talk about books as a way to escape reality. Which is great, becasue that’s a big portion of why I read. But I think it’s important to learn from literature and ultimately strive to become a better person. I’ve spent a long time constructing my moral code and what I feel is “good” and “bad” in this world. Perhaps I have become more liberal and outspoken the older I have become. I am legitimately heartbroken for my community. A community which at times I feel rejects me, because I do not fit an unspoken quintessential “blackness” that I’ve never been able to truly grasp. Because as a multiracial person, I am definitely not white. Nor am I LatinX. Nor am I Jewish. I think at various times in my life, trying to struggle with feeling like I truly belong as been difficult.I want to be liked (both in real life and those figurative likes on social media). I want to have a place where I feel comfortable and able to make mistakes and for it to be okay. I want my decisions and desires to be seen as valid and important.

I like to believe I’m at a point where I’m comfortable with the life I’ve been able to make for myself and the people that I chose (and honestly sometime forced) to be around on a regular basis. ¬†But, I have to be honest with myself and know I’m not always there. Shitty things have and probably will happen to me based on a number of arbitrary and not so arbitrary situations and decisions. Somethings will happen by people who I consider close friends and others will happen by total strangers. My hope is that I can always stay true to myself and live a life that’s dedicating toward helping others and educating. I say this as a black woman who is trying desperately to pretend that the world doesn’t scare the shit out of her, and who has the unfortunate understanding that in her sphere of influence her life really is less valuable than a lot of others.

Philando Castile

Alton Sterling

Freddie Gray

Sandra Bland 

Tamir Rice

Michael Brown

Eric Gardner

John Crawford

Tanisha Anderson

Walter Scott

Monica Loera

Jasmine Sierra

Kayden Clarke

Veronica Banks Cano

Maya Young

Kedarie/Kandicee Johnson

Kourtney Yochum

Shante Thompson

Keyonna Blakeney

Reese Walker

Mercedes Successful

Amos Beede

Goddess Diamond

Keith Vidal

Zachary Hammond

Stanley Almodovar III

Amanda Alvear

Oscar A. Aracena-Montero

Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala

Alejandro Barrios Martinez

Martin Benitez Torres

Antonio D. Brown

Darryl R. Burt II

Jonathan A. Camuy Vega

Angel L. Candelario-Padro

Simon A. Carrillo Fernandez

Juan Chevez-Martinez

Luis D. Conde

Cory J. Connell

Tevin E. Crosby

Franky J. Dejesus Velazquez

Deonka D. Drayton

Mercedez M. Flores

Juan R. Guerrero

Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz

Paul T. Henry

Frank Hernandez

Miguel A. Honorato

Javier Jorge-Reyes

Jason B. Josaphat

Eddie J. Justice

Anthony L. Laureano Disla

Christopher A. Leinonen

Brenda L. Marquez McCool

Jean C. Mendez Perez

Akyra Monet Murray

Kimberly Morris

Jean C. Nives Rodriguez

Luis O. Ocasio-Capo

Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez

Eric I. Ortiz-Rivera

Joel Rayon Paniagua

Enrique L. Rios Jr.

Juan P. Rivera Velazquez

Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan

Christopher J. Sanfeliz

Xavier E. Serrano Rosado

Gilberto R. Silva Menendez

Edward Sotomayor Jr.

Shane E. Tomlinson

Leroy Valentin Fernandez

Luis S. Vielma

Luis D. Wilson-Leon

Jerald A. Wright

These blue lives mattered.

Until Next Time World…